*Note: Quinolone Vigilance Foundation is honoring the author's request to remain anonymous. You can find the original here.
Answering the Bell (by Anonymous)
Now this probably makes absolutely no sense to anyone who
did not serve. I should be on my knees
thanking God that I never had to endure combat. And true, I can appreciate how
lucky I was much more now that I’m pushing 40, and hopefully a little wiser,
than I could when I was 22-years old and thought I could save the world. I realize now that life is much more
complicated, but I still think that military action, though not a long term
geo-political solution, can save lives in the short term when used cautiously
and appropriately. But I often times
still have trouble dealing with that aspect of my life. I feel like I didn’t do my job. Most of all, I feel like I let my brothers
down.
I skated.
That’s what we called it in the Marines. It’s military slang that immediately makes
sense to anyone who understands it, but if you need it explained to you, you’ll
probably never understand it. Picture a
column of hot dusty Marines plodding up a road carrying rifles and packs, while
somebody goes zipping by on a pair of roller skates. That’s the visual you need to understand
this. A skater is somebody who got out
of doing theirs, someone who didn’t carry their share of the burden, someone
who didn’t have to “drink from the cup”.
But it’s more than not just doing your fair share. It’s doubly bad because a skater isn’t just
skating laps at a roller rink, he’s cruising on his skates while his brothers are humping packs.
I had a very hard time coming to grips with this
feeling. I mentioned that I was
discharged in 1999. These feelings got
even tougher to deal with a couple of short years later after 9/11. Here I am, safe at my desk at the
engineering company I worked for, eating a nice hot lunch (because, you know, I
had a lunch break and access to hot food) scouring the internet looking for any
information I could about my old unit, which was currently engaged in the
Battle of Nasiriyah. I trained those
kids (and that’s what they were, kids) just a few years ago. Every time I heard of a Marine casualty, I
got a lump in my throat. Was it Cottrell? Did Chewie get it? Maybe it was Young or Holmes or Wilson?
It was in this context, in the grip of these emotions,
plagued with this guilt, that I had a conversation that has always stuck with
me. I was at one of my good friend’s
bachelor parties in Sylvan Beach. I
ended up spending a good part of the evening chatting with his father, who was
a Vietnam vet. I expressed to him how
awful I felt about everything. But I got
something from him that I’ve never gotten from anybody else:
understanding. He knew why I felt the
way I did. He didn’t offer any simple
platitudes, but he did say something that I’ll never forget.
He told me it wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t my fault that I was born in 1976.
He told me that the simple fact of the matter was that I answered the bell.
I was there. I went
where I was told, I did what I was supposed to, and I did it honorably. It’s not my fault that when I got to the far
off lands I was sent to that nobody shot back at me. I never shirked my duty, and I should never
feel that I did.
Had I been born in 1922 like my grandfather, I would have
answered the bell and fought World War II.
Had I been born in 1949 like him, I would have answered the
bell and gone to Vietnam.
Had I been born in 1971, I would have answered the bell for
the first Gulf War.
And had I been born in 1984, I would have answered the bell
for the War on Terror.
And that’s the thing about answering the bell, you never
know what you are going to get. My
grandfather answered the bell and got thrown into the hell that was the Pacific
Theater. I answered the bell and got
four years of peacetime service and a trip around the world.
It’s not really fair what happens, but the results don’t
really matter. What’s important is the
moral courage and the attitude that stands up to answer the bell.
My friend’s dad told me that from what he could tell from my
character, he knew I would have been right there alongside him in the jungles
and the rice paddies. To him, that was
more important in some ways than actually being there, and as far as he was
concerned, I had done my duty. That
would have meant nothing coming from most people, but coming from a Vietnam
vet, that almost made me cry.
I still have days when I feel like I got off easy. Like I skated out of duty. I work with a guy who was a Marine in Vietnam
and with a woman whose husband was a Marine sniper who recently returned from
his second tour in Iraq. I still don’t consider
myself a veteran in the same sense that they are. They certainly endured more hardship than I
did. But whenever I have these thoughts,
I think back to that conversation in Sylvan Beach. I think back to my final fitness report when
I was a Sergeant of Marines where my platoon commander, who later went on to
command troops in Fallujah and al-Anbar Province, wrote that of all the Marines
he had ever met, I would be his first choice to take into battle. And although I never did engage the enemy in
direct combat, I know in my heart that had circumstances been different, I
would have answered the bell in time of war the same way I did in peacetime:
with every fiber of my being.
So where am I going with all of this?
I’m fighting my war now.
For the past four and a half years, my wife has been
suffering with a chronic illness. She is
disabled. She is almost entirely housebound,
and some days, bedridden. I am her sole
caretaker.
I have no specific desire to get into the details of her
illness now. There will be plenty of
time for that in later posts. Right now,
suffice to say it’s a condition you’ve never heard of, it’s not anything that
would make any sense to you, and you have no idea of how much it has devastated
her life.
I wish I could tell you she had a disease that you had heard
of, that had a colored ribbon or a popular walk-a-thon associated with it. You would understand that, and many of you
would get to work wearing a ribbon or raising money walking. But it’s not something you could understand
like that. That makes it all the more
difficult because for the most part, it’s a war we fight alone. When I tell people at work that my wife is
disabled, they inevitably ask what’s wrong.
I think to myself, “Do I really want to spend the next 20 minutes
explaining her condition to someone who is not going to understand?” And it’s not that they don’t understand
because they’re stupid or because they are horrible selfish people. It’s because it is hard to understand and I
often don’t fully understand it myself.
I just know that she is very, very sick. She is less functional than my mother who is
going through chemotherapy for Stage 3 lung cancer. One co-worker did understand once, because
his best friend is going through the same ordeal. He kind of just took me aside after I told
him about my wife to offer some encouragement.
He told me how he grew up in his house with his stepfather who was a
quadriplegic. He told me that it is
difficult, but having a disabled family member often leads to blessings that
most people don’t get to experience. I
told him that yes, I did understand this on an intellectual level, and that I
had experienced some of these blessings, but that it didn’t make it any less
difficult at times. He said he
knew. He knew because he saw that his
friend, who has this same illness as my wife, had a poorer quality of life on a
day-to-day basis than the quadriplegic stepfather he grew up with.
Think about that. My
wife feels sicker than someone with cancer, has less quality of life than
someone who cannot use their arms or legs, and I can’t even really talk to you
about it because it’s a condition that you’ve never heard of and it would make
your head explode if it were explained to you.
As bad as that sounds, there are two other factors that make
it even worse. First, the illness is
invisible. My wife looks fine. If you saw her, you wouldn’t think a thing
was wrong with her. Part of that is her
pride and dignity, which you can’t fault her for because most of us would do
the same thing. Her grandmother recently
died, and through a herculean effort, she made it to the funeral (more on these
difficulties in later posts). She looked
great at the funeral. She’s an attractive
woman, and it was important to her to look presentable as sign of respect to
her beloved grandmother. That’s what
people saw. What they didn’t see was
that after expending that effort, she spent the next three weeks (and counting)
in bed.
The other unfortunate circumstance is that her illness is
chronic. People will often tell her,
“Oh, be happy you don’t have such-and-such disease.” I know it’s well meaning, but it’s an
ignorant thing to say to someone who is chronically ill. Many housebound, chronically ill people would
trade places with someone who is terminally ill. It’s in the root of the word. Terminal illnesses end. She often suffers just as much on a daily
basis, without knowing if or when her suffering will end. As of now, it looks like she might continue
to suffer until natural death (she is currently 34). Now you might be thinking to yourself, “What
a terrible attitude.” I’m a marathoner. Imagine running a marathon, and then having
somebody tell you, “We changed the race course, the finish line has been pushed
back. We’re not sure how far it’s been
pushed back, but the race is going to be a LOT further than 26.2 miles
now.” How would you feel? In the comfort of the chair you are sitting
in right now, you might think, “Oh, I’d just buckle down and keep going.” I’d love to hear what you’d actually say on
Mile 19. I’d bet that you’d be singing a
different tune then. It reminds me of a
psychological tactic we used to use during physical training in the
Marines. Instead of telling the platoon
that we’d be doing 20 pushups for our next exercise, the corporals or sergeants
leading the exercise would just say, “We are going to do many, many of
them.” You can count down to 20. You can’t count to “many, many”. It really does make the physical exercise
seem harder.
Now don’t get me wrong.
I am in no way, shape, or form suggesting that those who have cancer,
serious spinal cord injury, or any other disease or condition are in any way
better off, not suffering, or unworthy of our utmost respect and sympathy. Nor am I saying that I wish my wife had any
of these other diseases, injuries, or conditions. They are horrific situations that I wouldn’t
wish upon anyone. I am simply saying
that the chronically ill also deserve the same respect and dignity as those
whose disease has a recognizable name.
But the real triumph here is that she keeps going with hope
and a sense of humor. The people who
suffer from disabling chronic illness are the absolute toughest people that I
know, and between my time in the military, my athletic hobbies, and my current
career in the construction industry, I’ve met more than a few tough guys. The chronically ill endure horrific pain and
suffering, they do it with no end in sight, and they do it without an ounce of
respect from society. That’s the purpose
of this blog. To give a voice to those
who have none. To shine a light on these
people who deserve our admiration and respect.
To let the world know their stories so that they may not suffer in vain. I also hope that it can give encouragement and
advice to the chronically ill and their caretakers.
The story, of course, will be told through the eyes of her
caretaker. That’s one thing about the
sick. They are often too sick to even tell
their own story. In some ways this may
be beneficial because not only will you hear the story of the chronically ill,
you will see the effect it has on families.
In boxing, most of you know that between rounds the fighters
retreat back to their corners where they will get a brief rest, a swig of
water, some coaching or encouragement from their manager, and medical attention
from their trainer if needed. When the
bell rings to start the next round, they have a choice. They can stay in their corner, and if they
are unable to continue to fight, their trainer will wave a towel, or toss it to
the center of the ring. They can throw in the towel. Or, if they want to continue to fight, they
must stand up, put their hands up, and walk to the center of the ring. They
can answer the bell. You never know
what you are going to get when you answer the bell. You might win the next round. You might get knocked out.
My mother-in-law bought my wife one of those little bells
that you might find at a diner to alert a waitress that an order’s up, or on
the desk of the Post Office or some place with a little sign that says “Ring
for Service” or something. She got it
half-joking for our kitchen because it can sometimes seem like a diner in there
(more on this in later posts). Now, we
leave it next to my wife’s bed so she can call me if she needs me (I sleep on
the futon in the living room for reasons that will become apparent in later
posts). That bell rings far too
often. Too many times has that bell been
rung in suffering at some horrific early morning hour, to alert me that she
needed assistance. It has conditioned a
Pavlovian response in me.
It’s been 20 years since I was an 18-year old kid who
shipped out to boot camp, ready to take on the world.
I’m still answering the bell.
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